When Military Life Makes You the Default Parent

There is a special kind of exhaustion that comes from being the parent everyone automatically turns to.

The school calls? You answer.

Someone needs to stay home with a sick child? You rearrange your day.

Dentist appointments, daycare pickup, permission slips, groceries, bedtime, homework, birthday parties, laundry, meal planning.

You know what needs to happen, when it needs to happen, and usually where the missing PT uniform is.

For military spouses, becoming the “default parent” doesn’t always begin with a deployment. Sometimes, it happens slowly, simply because of the demands that military service places on the entire family. Duty days turn into nights spent parenting alone. Training exercises, TDYs, underway periods and changing schedules disrupt plans. Even when a service member is physically home, work may still be demanding their attention. The phone can ring. Plans can change. A day that was supposed to belong to the family suddenly doesn't.

Eventually, you quietly take over and handle it all.

When Your Partner Is Home, but the Military Is Still There

Military OneSource acknowledges that deployment can leave the spouse at home feeling like a single parent, requiring emotional, financial and household adjustments. But many military families know that some of those adjustments begin long before a deployment and sometimes happen without one at all. (Military OneSource: 10 tips for Parenting While Your Spouse is Deployed)

Military life isn't always neatly divided into deployed and home. There are duty days and late nights, exercises, schools, temporary assignments, and periods of high operational tempo when a service member may technically sleep at home but have very little control over their time. That unpredictability can make dividing parenting responsibilities equally difficult. It can also leave the civilian spouse carrying something less visible than the physical work of parenting: the mental load.

Someone has to remember that picture day is Thursday, the pediatrician needs to be called, one child suddenly refuses everything you packed for lunch, and the daycare closes early next Friday. When you're consistently the person available to remember and respond, default parenting can become less of a decision and more of a survival strategy.

This is where military spouses can experience complicated emotions. You can understand that your spouse doesn't control every aspect of their schedule and still wish they were there. You can be proud of what they do and still feel frustrated when another responsibility falls onto your plate. You can love your family deeply and still desperately want an hour when nobody needs anything from you.

Military OneSource recognizes that military separation can bring feelings including stress, resentment, loneliness and anger. It also emphasizes that positivity doesn't require pretending those difficult feelings don't exist. (Military OneSource: Self-Care and Support) Those emotions don't have to become a competition over who has it harder. They can instead be a signal that something needs attention.

You Are Still a Person Outside of Parenting

When time and energy are limited, our own needs are often the easiest things to remove from the calendar. Maybe you stop going to the gym because there is nobody to watch the kids. Your hobby gets packed away. You repeatedly postpone plans with friends. A career or education goal moves farther down the list. Eventually, it can become difficult to remember the last thing you did simply because you enjoyed it.

“Self-care” can sound almost laughable when you're already trying to keep an entire household moving. Fortunately, taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean finding hours of free time you don't have. Military OneSource recommends practical steps such as asking friends or family for help with errands, arranging childcare to create time to decompress, connecting with other parents and military spouses, maintaining relationships, and using available wellness and counseling resources. Free health and wellness coaching and confidential Military and Family Life Counseling are among the supports available to eligible military families. (Military OneSource: MFL Counseling)

MSAN Can be Your Village

Military life has a habit of moving us away from the people we would ordinarily call when we need help. That's one reason building community can be such an important part of military life and family well-being.

Through MSAN's Mentorship-HUB, military spouses can connect with fellow spouses and mentors who understand military life and can help them navigate resources and personal goals. The HUB also provides access to peer-to-peer support and military-life resources. (Join the Mentorship-HUB)

Sometimes you need information. Sometimes you need a resource. And sometimes you simply need to talk to somebody who doesn't require a ten-minute explanation of why a duty day completely derailed your week.

MSAN's mentors and Mental Health & Wellness Advocate can help spouses navigate challenges and connect with appropriate resources.

For spouses interested in building their own mental health knowledge, eligible active members of the Mentorship-HUB can complete MSAN's Mental Health Ally Certification through Psych Hub. The program includes 10 hours of self-paced training designed to give participants tools to better support their own well-being, families and communities. (Become a Mental Health Ally)

When “Tired” Starts Becoming Something More

There is also a difference between having a difficult week and realizing you aren't doing well. Support doesn't have to wait until you've reached your breaking point.

Military OneSource offers free confidential counseling options, but it isn't the only place military-connected families can turn for support. MSAN partners with organizations addressing mental health within the military-connected community. Face the Fight, founded by USAA, Reach Resilience and the Humana Foundation, brings together hundreds of organizations working to reduce veteran suicide, break stigma and connect military-connected communities with evidence-based resources and care. Its resources include training, community programs and connections to no-cost mental and brain health care for veterans, service members, families, caregivers and survivors. (We Face the Fight: Toolkits)

And if you or someone you love is experiencing a mental health crisis, the Veterans Crisis Line is available by calling 988 and pressing 1. (Veterans Crisis Line)

You Don't Have to Prove You Can Do It Alone

Military spouses get very good at saying, “I've got it.” But being capable of carrying everything doesn't mean you should have to carry everything without support. Being the default parent may be a reality during certain seasons of military life. Losing yourself in that role doesn't have to be.

Ask for help. Protect the pieces of your identity that matter to you. Tell your partner when the load has become too heavy. Find people who understand. Use the resources available to you before you're running on empty.

Because sometimes taking care of your family means making sure the person everyone depends on has someone to depend on, too.