Anatomy of a Love Letter
My husband, who is a quiet man, writes the most beautiful love letters to me when he is deployed. It isn’t because he is a poet; it isn’t because he is flowery or effusive. It is because he opens his heart in a way that he knows is important to me. He is an excellent gift-giver, but his simple, heartfelt messages mean so much more to me than I could have ever imagined a letter could 25 years ago when we were newlyweds. What is it you want to hear and how do you communicate that to your spouse? At the beginning of a marriage, your idea of good communication is far different than it might be years down the road. Early on, you may mistakenly believe good communication will be easy if you love each other. Yet, when humans are involved, even a Hallmark love story will show you that miscommunication will muddy the waters and produce unintended drama. When your spouse breaks up with the military, be it through separation or retirement, remaining a team will be your most important accomplishment. Breaking down how to tell your spouse you love them is a great place to start.
Letters may be old fashioned, but they sure are nice…
For years my husband and I have taken the time to send cards and letters back and forth during his deployments rather than just relying on emails and calls. Not that we don’t use email, texts, and FaceTime, but the letters and cards are very special to us. These days, the opportunities to communicate are plentiful when compared to the options 22 years ago when he first joined. I have talked to many young spouses who forgo written correspondence, deferring only to FaceTime and Messenger. Have you ever had time at the end of the day when you had things to tell your spouse, but you forgot what you had to say before your next conversation? Those evenings are when written communication is the most rewarding because you feel close to the person with whom you are sharing. My husband says he loves getting emails daily, cards and letters frequently, and goodies he can share with his office occasionally, so I make an effort to do those things to say, “I love you.” Remember, the most romantic thing you can do is the thing that makes your spouse feel appreciated and adored.
Positive words flow right off the pen…
A love letter should make us feel all tingly inside. Even the most stoic person loves to get a love letter, even if they won’t admit it. Too often I have listened to a young spouse who used letters as a way to have an airing-of-the-grievances. It is okay to tell your spouse how you feel on a bad day but the excitement of a letter that turns out to be all negative will make future mail deliveries more stressful than joyful. Use your words to help build each other up and make constructive criticism just that, constructive. Reassurance is one of the most loving things you can do for your spouse. Don’t we all love to admire those friends and family members that have been married for decades? None of those couples are perfect but normally, they are two people who build each other up rather than tearing each other down.
Resiliency says I love you without writing a word…
Resiliency communicates to your spouse that they can go get the job done and you will be okay. In my experience, some of the most resilient military spouses take the time to understand what their spouse’s job entails. They understand work schedules and challenges, so they don’t get upset at things beyond their spouse’s control; plus, taking an interest in what your spouse does can make them feel like a hero. When you have the knowledge that helps you to manage your expectations, you are telling your spouse you value them. This doesn’t mean you make their job more important than you or your family, but that you give it a place of importance instead of an annoyance. At the moment, when you are the most irritated, a resilient person can stop to think about how they are reacting. If you are irritated while talking to your deployed spouse because the kids are screaming, the dog is vomiting, and the toilet is overflowing, you might want to strangle them for complaining the DFAC is out of PopTarts. That may seem trite to you compared to what you are dealing with but remember, there may be a larger significance to that complaint. The reality that they cannot run out for more PopTarts may just remind them how far away they are as you are dealing with your stress. Finally, don’t get mad if you are waiting for your spouse to send a letter if they don’t know letters are important to you. If you set up a hoop for your spouse to jump through that they didn’t know existed, they are probably going to fail the test. We are all imperfect and don’t need unstated expectations to add to our opportunities for failure.
Date nights don’t require expert editing…
According to some great friends who are “seasoned spouses,” the most successful marriages seem to encompass similar practices for expressing love. First, they take time for each other, in their own creative ways. They meet for lunch or send each other messages when they are in different time zones, so the other person will wake up to an affectionate note. Basically, don’t let a deployment or TDY keep you from dating your spouse. Be creative, communicate your expectations and, most of all, do what is best for the two of you, even if your neighbor thinks your brand of “dating” is boring or inadequate. A simple Skype date over coffee really can be the most exciting part of someone’s day.
The sign off is always key…
Love letters don’t have to be perfect, they only need to be lovingly intended. One day your love letters will hold memories that can last generations. They can be keepsakes for you or even show your great-great-grandchildren what life was like before the days of flying cars and high definition 3D holograms. When you sign a letter and send it, sign off knowing that your words will bring joy to the person you love the most.
If you are having a hard time getting started on a love letter, remember you can find anything on the internet:
https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-28-write-a-love-letter/
